respect, and my lack of it

so i cannot believe it has taken me so long to notice, but i have no respect. i have no respect for myself, and therefore no one respects me. i hate it when mother is right. -_-

i always thought it was an extremely airheaded thing to believe that respect comes from self respect. that, "people care about people who care about themselves." partially because the people that usually told me that are the people who were either extremely air headed or brain dead. but sadly they were right, and i only noticed when i found someone who acts just like me, and watched as they were continually disrespected because of thier own self lothing.

the other reason behind my avoiding of self respect, is because of my fear of being rejected. of trying to make my personality better and in turn having the people i like, look at me in disqust. so i avoided it, and became more diqusted with myself than they ever could, so that i never got embarrassed and hurt...

but ive noticed, that back fires, and actually makes people ignore you, and step all over you, because obviously, its hard to respect someone who just, "lets themselves go" and pity themselves for it. or brags about how they constantly, "dont give a shit" or just lack any caring for themselves and their actions.

so im gunna stop doing that, or at least start trying. i reaally need to.

http://sonofirony.wordpress.com/ my other blog, lolz, sorry about the first post being mean...

whats the point

Id bet money that you forgot about this thing, and hell of alot of use that last post was...then again how could you not forget about it? I kinda disappeared, and its not like i used it all to often anyway. your switching of blogs gives more reason as to your probable forgetting.

so i feel like asking whats the point. why do i even bother anymore, is this fucking blog even worth writing at? it only makes me more emotional...

so why bother right? im gunna assume its cuz you want me to. thats just about been the reason for almost everything i did for the past two years anyway.

its literally always been about you...>.>

oyasumi nasai sora <3

so yeah, three cheers for disappearing for a couple months

I reaaally just havent wanted to face any of my emotional feelings recently, or at least a couple months ago, and me being in crew just allowed me to ignore all my problems. The act of disappearing into your schoolwork and forgetting what being social means is one of the best things i have ever done. id like to believe i was actually happy for a while...but i honestly have no idea. The pursuit of happiness is a cruel and unfair path, and i recently just gave up trying to navigate it. I havent had a girlfriend in over a year...but the problem is, i dont even know if i want one. I thought i had found the perfect person in every aspect, i honestly still believe i did.

but what happens when that person rejects you? do you move on? try to prove them wrong? give up all together? or ignore the fact that you weren't good enough...ignore it for more than a year, chasing mindlessly, "after something that you'll never kill."

well i did all of the above at some point...why? because i couldnt accept rejection, i mean, what happens when the person that you care about the most, decides that your not good enough? its torture. if you could water board the mind, that would be the way to do it. the reason its complete torture is because the person that you care about most, is usually the person that you cannot stand to let go. especially when that person means everything to you.

the only way out, is to move on, so for the past few months, i have tried my best to focus on my own life, rather than hers, and to slowly, just lose the feelings that i had for her. i mean of course the feelings will never die completely, but at least they will be bearable.

so yeah thats what i did for the past few monthss...