so yeah, three cheers for disappearing for a couple months

I reaaally just havent wanted to face any of my emotional feelings recently, or at least a couple months ago, and me being in crew just allowed me to ignore all my problems. The act of disappearing into your schoolwork and forgetting what being social means is one of the best things i have ever done. id like to believe i was actually happy for a while...but i honestly have no idea. The pursuit of happiness is a cruel and unfair path, and i recently just gave up trying to navigate it. I havent had a girlfriend in over a year...but the problem is, i dont even know if i want one. I thought i had found the perfect person in every aspect, i honestly still believe i did.

but what happens when that person rejects you? do you move on? try to prove them wrong? give up all together? or ignore the fact that you weren't good enough...ignore it for more than a year, chasing mindlessly, "after something that you'll never kill."

well i did all of the above at some point...why? because i couldnt accept rejection, i mean, what happens when the person that you care about the most, decides that your not good enough? its torture. if you could water board the mind, that would be the way to do it. the reason its complete torture is because the person that you care about most, is usually the person that you cannot stand to let go. especially when that person means everything to you.

the only way out, is to move on, so for the past few months, i have tried my best to focus on my own life, rather than hers, and to slowly, just lose the feelings that i had for her. i mean of course the feelings will never die completely, but at least they will be bearable.

so yeah thats what i did for the past few monthss...